The Conspiracy of Silence

     A return to blogging after what seems like a forever long hiatus! It had begun to seem like blogging was old-fashioned but the attention-deficit ridden culture of “YouTube shorts” and “Instagram reels” convinced me that I much prefer this ‘boring’ way of stating my thoughts and ideas! After all, a nuanced topic needs more than 30 seconds of ‘dropping catchphrases’ to do it justice. In the same spirit, here I am, writing about this topic that is so steeped in our culture, it’s no longer even acknowledged, forget about addressed.

    I intend to write about what the blog-post title says – A Conspiracy of Silence……and if you know me any, there is going to be a (heavy and unapologetic) tone of feminism to go with it. If that offends you, you can take yourself anywhere else, this space isn’t for you! But I’d recommend you stay and read. Because if the idea of equal choices offered to both men & women offends you, YOU are the one who badly needs to reflect upon your behavior. Spare these few minutes, to examine yourself and see if there is anything here that can make you a feminist (or make you better at it)! Go on, try it!

    So, conspiracy of silence, huh? I won’t take credit for the phrase, I got it from a podcast I came across fairly recently, and keep returning to. The podcast addresses the broad unsaid rules of maintaining silence to sustain a fragile peace over an ugly conflict. The speakers here address everything from individual traits of "agreeability" to the policy-influencing behaviour of Societies (and countries).

    But in my signature style, I will be writing honestly about the all pervasive culture of silence our women seem to observe, tolerate and eventually, perpetuate in our society. A smaller segment of this nasty culture found a place in a previous post I wrote, but this time, I am all swords out.........to slay this demon, or die trying!

    Let me start with a personal anecdote:

    For the first nearly 40 years of my life, I ate ice-creams, on numerous occasions. It was mostly in the company of others and I laughed at the 'numbness' my mouth felt after the ice-cream had swirled around a couple of times! At a not-so-young age of 37, I realized that I don't actually enjoy ice-creams at all! In fact, after thinking hard, I couldn't recollect a single occasion when I sought to eat ice-cream by myself. Pani-puri, vada pavs and momos occupied that esteemed position and continue to do till date!

    Eating ice-cream had become a people-pleasing activity in my head.......and most of all, somehow the notion of "spending quality time with Ananth" got equated to talking over an ice-cream. While we went around, we made frequent visits to Corner House and I ate the same flavour of ice-cream for nearly 10 years! Once the realization struck that I didn't enjoy ice-creams, I promptly informed Ananth. If I say it baffled him, I'd be understating it!!!! Seriously so! He couldn't understand and believe that "I" did something without being into it 100% and that too, something this 'inconsequential'.

    But the sky fall I was expecting didn't happen (I don't even know why I was expecting it though). He continued to love and enjoy his frozen dessert and I continued to talk with him, without a scoop in my hand! Me not eating ice-cream became a "fact" to live with and our lives went on as if nothing had happened! 

    This particular example made me think and gently examine the "non expression" of dissent in women around me, with the broader purpose of "Keeping the PEACE" and my amateur (at best) research scared the living daylights out of me! The number of things women would simply "do", just because the consequence of not doing them, or not falling in line was too dire made the world slip from beneath my feet!

    While the podcast (that I mention earlier) talks about tyrants on a societal/national/international scale, my post addresses more of the garden variety tyranny, known mostly for labeling women "Too much", "Out of control", "Uncultured" and well.........."That bitch"! These 'small time' dictators are all around us, who are used to having their way, often at the expense of others. 

    Which silences are these?, you ask! Silence over the smallest of things, of no particular consequence to anyone, unless that anyone is a micromanaging, control-freak, megalomaniac! And our surroundings have got many of them! Take a cold hard look and Thou shall find these specimens!

    As a Society, we haven't learnt (mostly) to separate the important from the unimportant. Marriage as a union of two people, who "can't live without each other" has become so glorified, that women literally won't do anything without their partners (yes, it often starts before marriage itself). The girls are advised to "sacrifice" their needs (wants are a far cry!) for the sake of keeping the husband "happy". His "permission" becomes an inevitable part of her life and anything she does without it will invite his wrath! Over the centuries, this has become a way of life..........like this:

    This systematic culture of training our daughters to be submissive and agreeable and our boys entitled and insensitive has made our Society an unhappy place to live in. "She left her job for the sake of children, what a great mother!" has become a badge of honour! Or worse, "She does a full time job AND takes care of her house like a pro" has become a coveted title! The chronically tired women continue to hold the torch of sacrifice and silence aloft..........

 

    This silence of most women often distorts the perception of who they are, and given enough time, they join the ranks of people who no longer know or recognize themselves anymore. The peace in their house (read: the small-time dictators feeling happy) is heavily contingent on these women keeping their mouths shut and hands busy! Many of the older (or even younger) ones will even try to convince you that this silence is their "choice", that IS who they are. But you know what, I don't buy it! Dig deep enough, or catch them in a moment of vulnerability and they'll tell you, "What other choice did I have?"

    "What other choice did I have?" 

    This statement often causes a lump in my throat! I know I can't change a thing in their lives, they've made their peace with this day-to-day bullying (and the golden cage rewards of lavish birthday and anniversary gifts!). But I've made a choice to voice my dissent, as often as I can, on as many avenues as I can, to as many tyrants as I come across. When you voice dissent, you give the victims of this casual patriarchy hope........when you stand up, it gives strength to another woman somewhere........

    That old adage of "When you see something, say something"? This was my post for the same!